Emotional Survival Guide

Sideburn is a regional burn event that is centralized around community and art with a set of guiding principles which will, at some point, influence your experience of this unique adventure in multiple ways. You may be presented with art, situations or people that can be challenging, validating, difficult, extraordinary, confusing or fascinating to you, which can push the boundaries of your comfort zone and your understanding of the world.

This can be a very overwhelming process. It can also be a very troubling experience if you don’t prepare yourself with the tools to understand how best to engage with these challenges when they inevitably arise, as they are an unavoidable part of Sideburn. Your emotional survival and personal well-being will depend on your ability to develop strong self-management in challenging situations. With these tips, hopefully you can be better prepared to face the unknown with mental and emotional confidence and resilience.

Here are some tips and guidelines for how to look after yourself in times of emotional challenge.

On Managing Yourself

Are you able to notice the signs of your own emotional fluctuations and triggers? What steps do you take to own and acknowledge your feelings internally, before asking others to help you manage them? Emotional management is a skill that gets built over time, and is in a constant state of improvement. It’s important to be gentle with yourself as you continue to own and grow your capacity for accountability any time challenging emotions arise.

What to remember when you’re feeling a lot of things:

• Feelings aren’t facts.
• Feelings have information about our needs: they have something to teach us.
• Feelings are meant to be felt, not ignored or pushed away.
• Feelings can be a transient event: they arrive, we experience them, and they pass when we let them.
• Feelings are guaranteed to happen, and they’re not a reflection on you. What matters is what you do next.
• Feelings are not good or bad, they just are.
• Feelings are not a label or identity.
• Feelings can create physical sensations and tension in your body. Remember to breathe.

Tips on avoiding emotional burnout

Emotional burnout occurs when we have stretched beyond our capacity to care for ourselves by putting other demands first. Burns are challenging in many ways that will have you over-extending yourself well beyond your comfort zones. While challenge and discomfort are things that help us grow as humans, like anything else in life, balance is required. Your autonomy to make decisions and care for yourself is a major facet in being radically self-reliant.

It’s important to be considerate of your well-being by taking the steps necessary take care for yourself by:

• Retreating to a safe space to have alone time.
• Setting boundaries and saying “no”.
• Prioritizing yourself.
• Designating time for self-care.
• Changing your mind.
• Making your own decisions.
• Taking care of your mental health.

Here are some tips that might help improve your emotional resilience:

• Find a place where you can create solitary space for yourself (like your tent).
• Drink some water and eat a snack.
• Breathe using the 4-7-8 method: Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds and breathe out for 8 seconds. Repeat.
• Give yourself a bear hug (self-holding).
• Rest your hand on your heart and say something comforting to yourself.
• Do a body scan of physical feeling from your toes to your head, listening to your body and being mindful of any pain or discomfort.

On Managing Yourself with Others

Taking ownership of our thoughts and feelings includes looking inside ourselves when we’re having strong reactions to other people, to find out how our understanding of this situation is actually an expression of our own needs and values.

Here are some general questions to ask yourself when you are reacting strongly to challenging communication with another person:

• What am I upset about?
• What was the trigger?
• What is the narrative I’ve created surrounding the situation?
• What threat am I perceiving?
• What is my intention in engaging in this conversation?
• Am I open to understanding their perspective?
• What would the most mature version of myself do in response to this situation?

Managing yourself during difficult communication moments

Sideburn will provide many experiences that are unlike the norms we’re used to, and we can find ourselves in unfamiliar territory with ourselves, our partners and our friends. Here are some tips for owning our feelings when trying to communicate during challenging moments with others.

Do:

• Engage in open, honest conversation.
• Actively listen.
• Ask questions to prevent misunderstandings.
• Validate their feelings.
• Empathize.
• Accept their truth.
• Trust them.
• Accept them for who they are.
• Identify your own insecurities.
• Take responsibility for yourself, your emotions and your actions.
• Offer constructive feedback (if requested).

Don’t:

• Make assumptions.
• Jump to conclusions.
• Offer unsolicited advice.
• Try to control or change their feelings or actions.
• Belittle or criticize them.
• Set unrealistic expectations.

How to ask for support

Asking for emotional help can be a huge challenge. It involves being vulnerable with ourselves and others by asking for some much-needed assistance. While asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s important to remember how to do so effectively, while also respecting others’ need for personal boundaries.

1. Ask the right people

The people you are closest to understand you in ways that can be incredibly comforting and helpful when you need emotional support.

2. Ask for permission

Check in with the person you are seeking support from by asking if they’re in a place to have a conversation with you. By asking if they are in a good spot to support you, we provide our loved ones with an opportunity to notice the emotional nature of the conversation so they can prepare themselves and are not suddenly burdened by our baggage.

If they decline the task of supporting you, try not to take offense. Boundaries are good and healthy, and if our loved ones are overwhelmed with their own emotions, they won’t be much help in supporting us with ours.

3. Know when the conversation is over

Discussing painful experiences is difficult for all parties, and only needs to run its course once. Ruminating on sad feelings for too long with a supportive friend will diminish the ability for them to provide the same type of support in the future.

4. Share wisely

Be mindful of what you’re sharing with supportive friends. It’s wise to continue to check in with them during the course of the conversation to see if they’re still okay to have it with you. Emotional burnout will jeopardize relationships if we let it.

5. Become a support resource in return

Those who you have relied on in the past may come to rely on you in the future. When that time comes, remember the compassion they showed you and try to offer the same in return.

6. Accept a “no” from someone in the spirit that it’s given

Remember that you’re asking for support from someone who is potentially also lacking emotional resources. If you ask for support and a person says “no”, understand that they’re trying to honour the weight of your request by indicating they can’t give you the energy you need. If this happens, reach out to another member of your support community.

How to give support to others

A big gift we have to give to others is the ability to support our family and friends through hard times. Doing this properly means having the self-awareness to check in with ourselves to see if we’re feeling grounded enough to sit with someone through their feelings of difficulty, without burning ourselves out in the process.

Here are some questions to ask yourself before offering emotional support:

• Do I have the emotional bandwidth to support this human right now?
• Am I able to be fully present for this person at this moment?
• Am I supporting because I have the resources to support or because I feel pressured to be helpful?

If you realize you are not in a spot to provide support:

• How can you express that kindly and with compassion?
• How can you take care of yourself so you can show up fully when you’re ready?
• Are you able to set a boundary to tend to your own needs?
• Are you able to get clear on how you know you’re able or not able to provide support?

When you’re ready, here are some tips on how to be supportive for our loved ones:

1. Listen to understand

• Practice being truly, fully present and mindful with your body language and eye contact.
• If you feel you’re going to be distracted, relocate to a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed.

2. Be present and validate

• Validate and help name the feelings and emotions your friend is sharing with you.
• Avoid judgement or offering ideas of solutions, trying to fix, minimizing or silver-lining the situation for your loved one. Try not to talk them out of feeling how they’re feeling.
• Remind them that it’s okay for them to be feeling a lot, and that you’re there for them.

3. Support and trust

• Ask if there are any steps you can take together to address their needs at that moment. Remind them that you’re there to sit with them through this difficulty.
• Trust that after your showing of emotional support, they can take care of their own needs. However, following up with them at a later time would be very appreciated.

Extra Support Services at SideBurn

If you feel you are in desperate need of help, the dedicated Sanctuary volunteers are support and companions for those participants that, for whatever reason, are having a difficult experience at the event. They support a chill, calming space that is located out of the way, and has cots, pillows, fluffy blankets… (and buckets).

Sanctuary volunteers connect with people at a deeper level, have wonderful conversations, act as a source of support and a beacon of patience.

If you have any other questions, please email sanctuary@sideburn.ca.